You Might Also Like
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
a badder mouse
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?