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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing