You Might Also Like
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
True
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.