18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Word!
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER