Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

I’d hang this in my house.

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly