Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.