18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK