Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

ㅤ

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

respect

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.