18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
