18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Cndnsd Mlk
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
