18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them