18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I am never leaving this website
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.