Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..