Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs