Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”