18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
me, too, girl. me, too.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.