Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

The struggle is real.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement