Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Tell me you get it…🤣

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

don’t we all

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.