18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When you don’t understand how floors work
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
emergency phone
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment