Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

you’re damn right i have

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.