18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Aight bet
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”