Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.