Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

The chart results are in…

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.