Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.