18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.