You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
sigh
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.