Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Good morning

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.