Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.