Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.

He said not now.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness