[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
oh u like geography? name every lake
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this