Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.