1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
he was correct
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir