Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live