1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.