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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
💀😭
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.