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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?