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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Well. That’s not a good sign.
