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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.