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3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday