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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
lot going on here, legally speaking.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Coffee is ready.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
me when i see my girls butt
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.