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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Okay
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader