You Might Also Like
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming