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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
life finds a way
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me