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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
do u think theres a butter planet?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery