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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
#oldknees
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.