Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Hey! This isn’t my car!