Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Yes

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW