Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

marvel comics have peaked

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?