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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.