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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.