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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.