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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Become ungovernable.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.