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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.