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I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.