[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
never ask a starfish for directions
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
