[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this