[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Get in loser we’re going crying
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
WHO DID THIS?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”