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So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
As per my previous tablet…
sin harder.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.