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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
At least he brought enough for everyone
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too