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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My neck, my back, my…
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Body by sandwich.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.