18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
This was my dad’s browser history.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket