18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.