18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
good for her
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.