Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!