Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.