$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you