$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
You know I’m something of a chef myself
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The real reason evolution started..😂
