Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.