[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.