opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
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Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
is it earth
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain