19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear