Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow