19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
This is me
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems