19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
what it’s like dating me:
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes