Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

wtf

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it