Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.