19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.